Acknowledged

I wish I appreciated people more. I wish that the first thing I did when I see someone I know is acknowledge and tell them how great I think they are.

I appreciate my roommate, Steev. He is a great, loving, caring, amazing guy, and I'm so lucky to be his roommate. I don't think I know anybody that can lighten things up like Steev does. The thing about Steev is that he loves people. He NEEDS to love people. There's something I wish I was more like.

Steev has lots of friends, which is something I envy, having had very few close friends. I'm baffled by the idea of being close to so many people. I know that wherever Steev goes in life, he's going to have friends and he's going to be taken care of. That's a very comforting thought to me.

I'm getting very good at telling my fiance how much I love her and how beautiful she is to me and how much I need her, but I don't tell people enough. My friend Kimberly Taylor has so many good things to say about her friends and loved ones. I wish I was more like her. I wish I could brag to people about my friends and my fiance and share the love I receive with other people.

I wish I was more like my friend Stephen. His ability to communicate, to share himself with people is beyond me. He helps me understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. Just knowing him makes me feel like I have someone to talk to if I ever need it.

I wish I was more like my fiance. She is a woman with common sense, which I DO NOT HAVE. Fact: Thomas is a common sense virgin. Not only is my fiance way more intelligent than me, she's also incredibly aware of who she is. She fights for the things she knows are important to her and refuses to live in a way that is contrary to her nature. How incredible is that? I can't think of anyone like her in this respect, and I wish I had that. She also can't stand being away from those she loves, and I definitely wish I was more like that.

It's interesting how appreciating someone involves comparing yourself to that person. Some people just provide something for you that you couldn't have on your own. It makes me wonder how I ever got along when I was so distant from people.

I appreciate God. He believes in me. My heart smiles every time I think about it. He's rooting for me. He treasures me. He's like the dad that roots for you at the sports games and tells you how awesome you are when you're convinced that you're the worst thing that ever happened to organized sports. He holds me up.

The thing about appreciating God, it's a little different from appreciating other people. When you appreciate God, He does for you what you wish you could do for yourself. It's a different dynamic, cuz we all try to do things for ourself. We all fail at that. I wish I could believe in myself, appreciate myself, root for myself, hold myself up.

But it's never enough. Just like I can never myself be like my friends, I can't save myself. Why do we humans always revert to our old ways so easily? We can't escape the sinful nature, you know? No matter how much we try to change, know how to change, temporarily change, it's like a rubber band. There is no escape except God.

I try to escape to my head, hence my previous post. Why can't I escape to the people who can actually help me? My friends, or better yet, God? I guess I just need to acknowledge it.

Resolution

I didn't have a New Year's Resolution until yesterday. I was playing through one of my favorite videogames called "Earthbound", and there's this particular place in the game called "Club Stoic". In this 'club', a bunch of high-minded people are hanging out in this cramped room with a stage, and on this stage is a rock, an ordinary rock. All of the people in the room are observing the rock and discussing the meaning of life with one another. One is envisioning the inevitable collapse of capitalism. Another is going on and on about becoming 'complete', and everyone in general seems obsessed with the dream of becoming a high-minded individual. The whole of the conglomerate seems bent on pushing into each other in hopes of ascending themselves into omnipotence. And I, playing as a band of scruffy kids on a mission to save the universe, am forced to compare myself to the situation. Who am I in this scenario? Am I saving the world, or am I paying $40 for a glass of water and the opportunity to feel better about myself? Unfortunately, I must concede that I fall into the latter.

I am a Stoic. I have to admit. I am stuck in my head. I am in the clouds, out of the world, out of touch. I don't experience passion, pain, and grief. I deal with all of my problems solely with my mind. Why? I guess my mind is easier to grip, easy to fall back on. When problems arise, I immediately slip into my neuro-processor for the solution. I don't turn to God, friends, family, or even the world, just myself. And it's a sickness, I've realized. I'm incredibly self-reliant and, as such, am a self-idolater. I'm obsessed with me and I'm out of the world.

How am I supposed to be a witness or a prophet or a savior of the world if I don't act as if I'm in it. It may sound odd to read, but I long to experience emotion, pain, passion, grief, everything, because that is what makes life worth living. They are the words in the alphabet soup. Without them, I am just a rock on a stage.

Time to make a resolution.